Not An Actual Liveblog Pt. 5

PM 6:45

            Honestly, though, as good as Cody Rhodes is, it’s okay by me if we miss out on 10 minutes of them for 10 more minutes of CM Punk and Chris Jericho. Jericho is my favorite of all time, and CM Punk is the best the WWE has right now, and I think that’s the sentiment that the WWE is banking on by truncating so many matches in favor of the “big three” that are advertised.

PM 6:51

           

            The obligatory women’s match. Women’s wrestling is something of a conundrum. There are two types of women’s wrestlers: the ones who view wrestling the same way that male wrestlers do (as a predetermined opportunity to display athleticism), and the ones who view the WWE the same way that noted pervert Vince McMahon views them (a means of using physical beauty to make money). The WWE women’s division is an odd mixture of slutty models and legitimate athletes.

            Also interesting, the women’s storylines are never convoluted, are always bare-bones simple, get-the-job-done booking[1] and are at once a display of laziness on the part the WWE bookers and a look at wrestling structure at it purest form. Since the WWE expects roughly the same number of lonely perverts to pay attention to the women’s wrestlers no matter what, they can revert on the old standby of good vs. evil that wrestling has relied on since the carnival days. So when Jerry Lawler, the announcer, says “a lot of people disagree with Eve’s recent change in personality,” it’s not only half-assed and pretty hokey, it’s wrestling at its purest.[2]

            Ultimately, this match has the potential to be good. Beth Phoenix is a wrestler of staggering competence, gender irrelevant, and Eve and Kelly Kelly are on their way towards being really good workers despite being brought in as eye candy.[3] Unfortunately, this match features what I consider to be modern wrestling’s greatest shortcoming: the desire to generate cross-appeal by bringing in low-level celebrities.

An unfortunate list of celebrities with pinfall victories over WWE talent off the top of my head:

Kevin Federline

Snookie

Lawrence Taylor

Floyd “Money” Mayweather[4]

Add to that list “Maria Menunos,” Kelly Kelly’s tag team partner for this match, and apparently some kind of talkshow host.

            This idea that with the right celebrity some quantifiable level of fame will be reached whereby WWE will gain mainstream popularity has been prevalent since Liberace was featured at Wrestlemania 1 and confirms that Vince McMahon himself has no trouble suspending his own disbelief. Pro Wrestling is and always will be a niche form of entertainment.

(It is worth pointing out that this match was full of Daniel Bryan chants, the crowd exercising its only means of communicating its wishes.)

PM 7:02

WWE trots out some probably inflated attendance stats.

[1] Booking, n: the process by which characters are chosen to take part in storylined matches. Ultimately the most important aspect of pro wrestling. Derived terms: Booker, Booked.

[2] I do not see Pro Wrestling as hokey, oversimplified morality play and Pro Wrestling as underappreciated art form as mutually exclusive. Wrestling shines when it is creative within the constraints of its medium. Wrestling gets into trouble when the storylines get too fancy and involve necrophilia.

[3] The most notable example of a fitness model whose tits Vince McMahon wants to make money with working incredibly hard to become very very good at her job is Trish Stratus, who went from the platonic ideal of eye candy to arguably the most beloved women’s wrestler of all time over the course of her long career.

[4] Mayweather and Taylor are forgivable, the men are frightening and legitimate athletes, but this list doesn’t even include celebs who were featured though not victorious (Drew Carey, Pete Rose, among others…)