Commonplace
  • Home
  • About Us
  • News
  • On Writing
  • Photo Albums
    • Flashback 2018
    • Flashback 2017
    • Flashbacks 2016
    • Flashbacks 2015
    • Flashbacks 2014
    • Flashbacks 2013
    • Flashbacks 2012
    • Flashbacks 2011
    • Flashbacks 2010
    • Flashbacks 2009
    • Flashbacks 2008
  • Thesis Resources
  • Archived
    • Archived Blog
  • Blog

Dispatches from Alabama III: My Fake Resume

12/9/2011

 
Applying for jobs is terrible. I do silly things to cope. I wish I had the guts to send this resume to actual prospective employers...

Robert “Robert” Hunter “Tweetwee” Whitworth
Dynamic listener, turbo-charged avoider of eye-contact, radioactively quick reactor to surprises, non-Euclidian organizer, hyperactively amped-up watcher of youtube videos, hydro-dynamoid provoctolator of synergasmic postabulative crevantialism.

Contact info.

EDUCATION
High School - St. David’s (S.T.D.)

College - Furman University (F.U.)

THINGS FOR WHICH I’VE BEEN PAID EITHER MONEY OR SOMETHING ELSE, SOMETIMES EXPERIENCE: WHICH IS INVALUABLE AND PRICELESS, WHICH ARE SORT OF SYNONYMS AND ACTUALLY ARE EXACTLY SYNONYMS

Employer/ Place/ Responsibility
Exactly the appropriate amount of relevant data

My High School/ Ditto/ Janitor
My main responsibility was to clean lockers, but I dynamically turned this into a turbo-charged exercise in creativity, leaving a series of clues starting in the locker of a particular student, leading him/her (I picked the locker at random and thus have no way of knowing) across campus to storage sheds and knots in trees, clue begetting clue begetting clue begetting clue, each clue with the promise of a great treasure, which turned out to be the quest itself, do you get it?! My supervisor pointed out that not only did the lockers not get cleaned, but because of my addition of surreptitiously placed clues, the entire campus technically got dirtier, and I responded by suggesting that we not let our clearly different goals get between us and myself getting paid.

Myself/ My body/ Fitness
I only go for runs when my urine is absolutely clear.

C.E.O and chief shareholder/ “Tweetwee’s refrigerators and second-hand laptops”/ THIS IS HOW YOU RUN A BUSINESS
Cold makes machines run better, everybody knows that, and it was only a matter of time before a visionary like myself went and combined them. That’s why computers have fans.

Gifted Reader/ The Gifted Reader Bar at “TRSL”/ Fix computers-slash-refrigerators (see how I knew not to put another actual slash (“/”) in there? That’s the kind of attention to the details of the paradigm that I’ve set up you’ll be getting. Also the creativity to recognize that the physical example of the slash that I’ve given you ((“/”)) looks like maybe the display on a device that has an arm that points to either “two sperm going forward” or “two sperm retreating,” like the kind of a meter that might help couples have children. I should patent such a device.)
I couldn’t call it a genius bar because that’s been copywritten, and also because that would be misleading the customer into thinking that my individual strengths in any way translate to their needs, computer or refrigerator-wise. I also couldn’t call it “bar of people who maybe aren’t genius-level with the intellect but certainly know their Fridays from their fried eggs” because that phrase isn’t a part of any vernacular.

National Championship Wrestling/Greenville S.C./Bouncer, fake paramedic
I had to stop an old lady from throwing baby bottles once, and also if someone pretended to hurt their neck I had to pretend to take care of them, and actually say something to the effect of “oh my, that looks like it must have smarted,” rather than pretend to say something. One time I pretended to say that in addition to pretending to take care of the quote-unquote injured neck, and I realized that I was just mouthing words. This is one of those things where I wasn’t paid money, but I was paid  paid pro-wrestling training, so really I was paid in slaps to the chest area, which were invaluable and also priceless.

Pokemon League/ Various regions/ League Champion and resident Master
Youngest to attain Hall of Fame status, in Kanto, Johto, Unova, Sinnoh regions. I also bred an Eevee that knows Flamethrower and that isn’t even possible.

 

Freelance/ Various castles and situations/ Rescuer of princesses

Worked under the pseudonym “Mario” for a while, you may be familiar with my work. She was always in another castle until the last one, which she was in.

 

REFERENCES

Upon request.


Comments are closed.

    This Week's Blogger: 
     Lisa Houlihan Stice    

    Thanks, Hunter!

    Archives

    January 2013
    November 2012
    September 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011

    Categories

    All
    Abject Failure
    Activities With Predetermined Outcomes
    Advice
    Alaska
    Amy O
    Awards
    Blogging
    Books
    Boooooooooooking
    Canon
    Career Choices
    Classics
    Confidence
    Contests
    Critiques
    Critiquing
    Curtis White
    Damn
    Dance
    David Foster Wallace
    David Stevenson
    Delusions Of Grandeur
    Depression
    Despair
    Dialogue
    Entertaining Readers
    Erin Hanson
    Failure
    Faith Prescott
    Field Trips
    Genre
    Grad School
    Hunter Whitworth
    Jo-Ann Mapson
    Literary Criticism
    Literature
    Mastery
    Memory
    Mentoring
    Mfa
    Mind
    Movies
    Music
    Nonfiction
    No One Reads This
    Not A Real Live Blog
    Novels
    Old Men Wrestling
    Perseverance
    Persistence
    Postmodern
    Poverty
    Practicum
    Preparation
    Publishing
    Reading
    Rejection
    Residency
    Residency Program
    Rich Chiappone
    Ron Simmons
    Sara Loewen
    Sequels To Things
    Several More Typos
    Sharks
    Submission
    Success
    Taking A Leaf From A Book Called "Paradise Lost"
    The Part Where I Pretend I'm Douglas Adams
    Thor? Who Reads This? No One? That's What I Thought.
    Time
    Tips
    Underwhelming Prequels
    Vivian Faith Prescott
    War Across Time
    Workshop
    Wrestlemania
    Writers
    Writing
    Zack Rogow

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from hillary h, Katie Loughlin, this lyre lark, wakalani, juliejordanscott, MatthewHamblen.com, Gamma Man, Nic's events, DaveReichert, HerryLawford, jemsweb, Annie Mole, jaaron, Mike Babcock, Brett Jordan, hoshi7, Jonathan Rashad, michal_hadassah, sylvrilyn, austinevan, Andrew Mason, PlasticineMonkey, *L*u*z*A*, Robert Couse-Baker, karola riegler photography, Daquella manera, blmurch, e³°°°, Alexandratx, Adam Jones, Ph.D., kalidoskopika, Brendan Adkins, h.koppdelaney, sleepyneko, Loelle, aussiegall, Howtedious, Jmiz810, ^riza^, Dawn - Pink Chick, fauxto_digit, El Bibliomata, Don Hankins, Natalia Robba, Colin_K, TAKA@P.P.R.S, Matt McGee, ElizabethHudy, cursedthing, bunnicula
  • Home
  • About Us
  • News
  • On Writing
  • Photo Albums
    • Flashback 2018
    • Flashback 2017
    • Flashbacks 2016
    • Flashbacks 2015
    • Flashbacks 2014
    • Flashbacks 2013
    • Flashbacks 2012
    • Flashbacks 2011
    • Flashbacks 2010
    • Flashbacks 2009
    • Flashbacks 2008
  • Thesis Resources
  • Archived
    • Archived Blog
  • Blog