Dispatches from Alabama III: My Fake Resume

Applying for jobs is terrible. I do silly things to cope. I wish I had the guts to send this resume to actual prospective employers...

Robert “Robert” Hunter “Tweetwee” Whitworth
Dynamic listener, turbo-charged avoider of eye-contact, radioactively quick reactor to surprises, non-Euclidian organizer, hyperactively amped-up watcher of youtube videos, hydro-dynamoid provoctolator of synergasmic postabulative crevantialism.

Contact info.

EDUCATION
High School - St. David’s (S.T.D.)

College - Furman University (F.U.)

THINGS FOR WHICH I’VE BEEN PAID EITHER MONEY OR SOMETHING ELSE, SOMETIMES EXPERIENCE: WHICH IS INVALUABLE AND PRICELESS, WHICH ARE SORT OF SYNONYMS AND ACTUALLY ARE EXACTLY SYNONYMS

Employer/ Place/ Responsibility
Exactly the appropriate amount of relevant data

My High School/ Ditto/ Janitor
My main responsibility was to clean lockers, but I dynamically turned this into a turbo-charged exercise in creativity, leaving a series of clues starting in the locker of a particular student, leading him/her (I picked the locker at random and thus have no way of knowing) across campus to storage sheds and knots in trees, clue begetting clue begetting clue begetting clue, each clue with the promise of a great treasure, which turned out to be the quest itself, do you get it?! My supervisor pointed out that not only did the lockers not get cleaned, but because of my addition of surreptitiously placed clues, the entire campus technically got dirtier, and I responded by suggesting that we not let our clearly different goals get between us and myself getting paid.

Myself/ My body/ Fitness
I only go for runs when my urine is absolutely clear.

C.E.O and chief shareholder/ “Tweetwee’s refrigerators and second-hand laptops”/ THIS IS HOW YOU RUN A BUSINESS
Cold makes machines run better, everybody knows that, and it was only a matter of time before a visionary like myself went and combined them. That’s why computers have fans.

Gifted Reader/ The Gifted Reader Bar at “TRSL”/ Fix computers-slash-refrigerators (see how I knew not to put another actual slash (“/”) in there? That’s the kind of attention to the details of the paradigm that I’ve set up you’ll be getting. Also the creativity to recognize that the physical example of the slash that I’ve given you ((“/”)) looks like maybe the display on a device that has an arm that points to either “two sperm going forward” or “two sperm retreating,” like the kind of a meter that might help couples have children. I should patent such a device.)
I couldn’t call it a genius bar because that’s been copywritten, and also because that would be misleading the customer into thinking that my individual strengths in any way translate to their needs, computer or refrigerator-wise. I also couldn’t call it “bar of people who maybe aren’t genius-level with the intellect but certainly know their Fridays from their fried eggs” because that phrase isn’t a part of any vernacular.

National Championship Wrestling/Greenville S.C./Bouncer, fake paramedic
I had to stop an old lady from throwing baby bottles once, and also if someone pretended to hurt their neck I had to pretend to take care of them, and actually say something to the effect of “oh my, that looks like it must have smarted,” rather than pretend to say something. One time I pretended to say that in addition to pretending to take care of the quote-unquote injured neck, and I realized that I was just mouthing words. This is one of those things where I wasn’t paid money, but I was paid  paid pro-wrestling training, so really I was paid in slaps to the chest area, which were invaluable and also priceless.

Pokemon League/ Various regions/ League Champion and resident Master
Youngest to attain Hall of Fame status, in Kanto, Johto, Unova, Sinnoh regions. I also bred an Eevee that knows Flamethrower and that isn’t even possible.

 

Freelance/ Various castles and situations/ Rescuer of princesses

Worked under the pseudonym “Mario” for a while, you may be familiar with my work. She was always in another castle until the last one, which she was in.

 

REFERENCES

Upon request.